I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
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Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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