Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
