i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
