do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
