Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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