Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
