I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
