so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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