Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
