Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
