she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
