I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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