My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
