Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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