he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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