I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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