I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
