woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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