Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
