Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
