It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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