Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She bit a glass in half.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
