You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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