he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
