"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
they're like a gay fantastic four
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
