I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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