there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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