Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
