I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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