All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
