And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
