how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
