I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
