i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
