Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
