did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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