so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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