that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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