you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
