All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
