I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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