Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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