In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
