no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There are leaves in my underwear?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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