when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
