I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
