im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
