if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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