You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
