By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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