The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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