when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
