I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
