My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
