Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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