i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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