We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
