At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
