Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
