i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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