i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize