OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
